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Cow Eye Community College Yuletide Extravaganza & Masquerade
Cow Eye Community College
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Here at Cow Eye Community College, our accreditors are due to visit
us in mid-March during the traditional accreditation season, and so we
have decided to reschedule our annual faculty/staff Christmas party to
coincide with their visit. In doing so, we hope that this event will
serve as a symbol of all that is life-affirming in the world: the coming
of eternal spring, the promise of re-emerging life, the birth and
resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and, most importantly,
the re-affirmation of our college's regional accreditation.
of conducting this annual gathering as a single two-hour event as we
have in the past, this year we will hold it over several days. In fact,
we will organize an entire week's worth of Christmas festivities to take
place in honor of the accrediting team's visit: a Christmas Week!
Christmas Week will be a coordinated series of activities that will be
intricately planned and meticulously implemented. Having our celebration
over an entire week in March will also give us more time to impress our
accreditors, to unify our faculty, and to build gradually toward the
ultimate culmination of events at the Christmas party itself on March
One of the key elements of the party will be its
emphasis on diversity. Atheists. Anti-socials. Agnostics. All will be
welcomed into the small cafeteria on March 20. Vegetarian and
anti-vegetarian. Friend and foe. Specialist and generalist. Sunni and
Shiite. The poet. The empiricist. The agoraphobe. The dreamer. The
cliometrician. All of them will be encouraged to come to our Christmas
party on March 20 where they will be treated to a truly inspiring, a
genuinely sensational, an eminently toe-curling and earth-shattering
Christmas yuletide experience.
Risks and challenges
RISK #1: Because this culminating event will be taking place in the
small cafeteria, there is a chance that we will not be able to fit all
the competing factions into such a confined segment of time and space
and/or that there will be a high risk of conflict at the event. In
anticipation of this challenge, we intend to order special tables and
chairs to accommodate the various faculty and staff in attendance.
Moreover, seating will be thoughtfully assigned to ensure harmony and
respectful interaction throughout the event.
RISK #2: There are rumors circulating that certain key faculty will
decline to attend the party due to their own selfish dietary
allegiances. Should this happen, there is a very real risk that others
will follow and that the entire premise of the all-inclusive, unifying
event will be undermined. To ensure that this does not happen, we have
taken great pains to reassure the competing sides of the aisle that the
menu will be both robust and tailored to their unique pedagogical
tendencies. We have also hired professional lobbyists to convince all
faculty and staff of the vital importance to our school and its
community of achieving 100% attendance at this Christmas accreditation
RISK #3: Of course there is always a chance that the scene will be
interrupted by an unexpected (and uninvited) visit from Thomas Pynchon.
Specifically, because the scene will be a masquerade, there is an
increased likelihood that Mr. Pynchon will attempt to sneak into the
event disguised as an important figure from American history - or that
he will be able to use his anonymity and a dearth of publicly available
photographs to pass himself off as one of the college's institutional
accreditors. To prevent this from happening, we will ask Timmy at the
front entrance to screen all incoming faculty and staff for proper CECC
credentials. Attendees will also be asked to remove any masks or
costumes for inspection before entering the room, and all attendees will
be subject to full body cavity searches as necessary. (Let's see Mr.
Privacy and his high-paid team of literary insiders try to extricate the
shoulder-length glove out of THAT!)
In short, we have taken all possible precautions to ensure that this
celebration of regional accreditation and cultural inclusiveness will be
a truly memorable milestone in the rapidly unfolding history of Cow Eye
Non-CECC donors who give at this level will be invited to attend the
Christmas Masquerade itself on March 20. That's right! Your name will be
included in the attendee list in all future versions of Cow Country!
(You will also receive one signed hardcover edition confirming your
attendance at the event.) NOTE: If you choose this option, please
indicate your desired costume (i.e., a figure from American history),
otherwise one will be assigned to you.